Oscar 86, Baby!

Matthew McConaughey, Cate Blanchett, Lupita Nyong'o, Jared Leto

The 86th Annual Academy Awards are on the books, and it was the most playful telecast in my 20 years of watching.

I Tivo'ed the red carpet pre-show, and fast-forwarded through three hours of idiocy in about 20 minutes; it was worth it for the screen grab below:

Lindsay Funke, approached by her mother's arch-rival, Lucille Austero

Ellen DeGeneres was our Mistress of Ceremonies, and she killed it. She's among the funniest humans on the planet, and her goofy sense of humor - snappy, but never too mean-spirited - was a refreshing change of pace from last year, and an all-around delight to spend three-plus hours with (even as the pointless montages tested everyone's patience.)

Ellen in sparkly blue velvet, crisp white, and giganto-pink.

Last year's Best Supporting Actress winner, Anne Hathaway, fulfilled her ceremonial duties by presenting Best Supporting Actor, and the winner was, of course, Jared Leto. He paid heartfelt tribute to his Mom, his brother, and "the dreamers" around the world.

Jim Carrey presented Bullshit Montage #1.

Kerry Washington walked on stage while the orchestra played a song from Dreamgirls, even though she was not, in fact, in Dreamgirls. Oops. She introduced Pharrell Williams, who brought the first of several highlights, dancing with three nominated actresses sitting in the front row. Meryl Streep shimmied her bosom, because she is awesome.

Pharrell Williams shakin' it with Lupita Nyong'o, Meryl Streep, and Amy Adams

My favorite category (outside of the big eight) is Best Costume Design, because the winner is usually wearing an exceptional objet d'art of her own creation. Catherine Martin, costumer and production designer for The Great Gatsby, did not disappoint in a salmon pink gown embellished with black floral, crystal beadwork, and a stunning amethyst pendant. (Her award was presented by Samuel L. Jackson and Naomi Watts.)

Catherine Martin

Jackson and Watts also gave Dallas Buyers Club Best Makeup and Hairstyling.

Harrison Ford introduced a clip package of one-third of the Best Picture nominees.

Channing Tatum congratulated the film students who won the "Team Oscar" contest.

In the first of two awkward presentations with the elderly, Matthew McConaughey helped Kim Novak present Animated Feature to Frozen.

Sally Field presented Bullshit Montage #2.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Emma Watson gave Best Visual Effects to Gravity.

Zac Efron introduced Karen O.'s "Moon Song."

Kate Hudson and Jason Sudeikis gave out the Short Film awards, and Bradley Cooper gave 20 Feet From Stardom Best Documentary Feature. One of the film's subjects, singer Darlene Love, took the stage with the filmmakers and sang a few bars to raucous applause.

Darlene Love, not just a backup singer

Kevin Spacey told us about the lifetime achievement awards given to Angela Lansbury and Steve Martin, which are now held at a separate ceremony, ya know, so there's more time on the telecast for stupid montages.

Viola Davis and Ewan McGregor sent Best Foreign Language Film to Italy, for The Great Beauty.

Tyler Perry set up the second-third of the Best Picture clips.

Brad Pitt was the lead-in for U2's performance.

Ellen's first stunt was to attempt to take the single most re-tweeted photo ever, and a selfie of her and Meryl turned into an everybody-in-the-front row selfie, and so the faces of Jared Leto, Jennifer Lawrence, Channing Tatum, Meryl Streep, Julia Roberts, Ellen DeGeneres, Kevin Spacey, Brad Pitt, Lupita Nyong'o, Angelina Jolie, Lupita's brother, and cameraman Bradley Cooper proceeded to crash Twitter. Behold, the record-breaking photo:

A buncha' buds, jus' chillin'

 
One of Oscar's stranger traditions is sending a Cute Young Thing to host the Scientific and Technical Awards a week or so ahead of time, and then invite said Cute Young Thing to appear on the "real show" and talk about how much fun they had. I guess they decided it was a little sexist...so they sent a female AND male Cute Young Thing this year. The attractive people in question were Kristen Bell and Michael B. Jordan.

Chris Hemsworth and Charlize Theron gave both sound awards to Gravity.

Christoph Waltz, also fulfilling his ceremonial duties, gave us all the pleasure of hearing him pronounce the name "Lupita Nyong'o" and he handed her the Best Supporting Actress trophy. She was teary, gracious, and said, "It doesn't escape me for one moment that so much joy in my life is thanks to so much pain in someone else's."

Ellen's second major stunt: Bringing out the luckiest pizza delivery guy on the planet. The Nerds on the Internet assert it was a real Los Angeles pizza boy (not an actor) who was sent to deliver a stack of pies to the Dolby Theatre and hand them out to the hottest hot-shots in the room.

Is this the start of the best porno ever?

The presenter unlucky enough to follow that spectacle was Cheryl Boone Isaacs, who, Ellen informed us, is the first African-American female president of AMPAS.

Amy Adams and Bill Murray took the stage for the Cinematography award, and Murray snuck in a quick tribute to his friend and collaborator Harold Ramis, which meant I was all misty and distracted as Emmanuel Lubezki accepted the award for Gravity.

Anna Kendrick and Gabourey Sidibe tossed the Film Editing award to Gravity. Co-editor Alfonso Cuaron wisely let collaborator Mark Sanger do all the talking, since we all knew he would get his turn later.

Whoopi Goldberg, resplendent in her own brand of Hot Mess, wore chunky ruby slippers to introduce Pink, who sang "Over the Rainbow" because this year marks the 75th anniversary of the release of The Wizard of Oz. It's a pretty weak excuse for such a segment, but at least Pink's vocals were big and badass.

Jennifer Garner and Benedict Cumberbatch gave Production Design to The Great Gatsby.

Chris Evans (who?) presented Bullshit Montage #3.

Glenn Close introduced the death reel, and the image of Dr. Spengler in the annual remembrance of the dead was enough to set me off again.
 

Every year, they claim there isn't enough time to include every member of the film community who died in the past year, but they could have included everyone in the time allotted if they didn't stop the montage for Bette Midler's vocals. "The Wind Beneath My Wings" seems like a good fit for a memorial tribute, until you consider all the lyrics except the chorus. (They ARE movie stars, they didn't exactly "go unnoticed.")

Goldie Hawn finished off the three-random-Best-Picture-clips package.

John Travolta, perhaps under the influence of some killer sedatives, pronounced "Idina Menzel" as "Adele Dazeem," in an instant-classic blooper. She blew the roof off with the Frozen song anyway.

Jamie Foxx did his best Chariots of Fire impression while Jessica Biel gave Gravity Best Score, followed by Best Song to Frozen. The announcer was kind enough to inform us that this victory made songwriter Robert Lopez an EGOT winner - in your face, Tracy Jordan! He and his co-writer/wife Kristen Anderson-Lopez gave an adorably sweet speech and thanked their little daughters.

The directors and songwriters of Frozen

The funniest terrible set-decoration was the sudden appearance of rows and rows of typewriters as Penelope Cruz and Robert DeNiro gave the writing awards to John Ridley for 12 Years a Slave and Spike Jonze for Her.

John Ridley

Spike Jonze

The second awkward presentation of the elderly arrived when Angelina Jolie led a frail Sidney Poitier across the stage for the Best Director award. Poitier had difficulty reading the envelope, so Jolie read the name Alfonso Cuaron. He didn't top the "I'm going to give you herpes" line from his Golden Globe speech, but he was still fun.

Alfonso Cuaron

Danny D-L settled the Best Actress contest for Cate Blanchett. She ever-so-cautiously thanked her director, winkingly told "Julia" [Roberts] to "suck it," and praised Sandra Bullock: "I could watch your performance 'til the end of time...and I feel like I did." (I'm sure in her head, it sounded like a compliment, but...) She also elicited hoots and hollers of approval with the assertion that films about women are not "niche."

Jennifer Lawrence pulled Matthew McConaughey's name out of the envelope, and he did us all a solid by giving a perfectly ridiculous speech: He evoked his father drinking a Miller Lite in heaven, name-checked "Charlie" Laughton (the Best Actor winner from precisely 80 years ago), and shared his philosophy that we all need someone to look up to, someone to look forward to, and someone to chase. It was nutty, but that's why we love him.

Will Smith carried out the last envelope. Gravity had seven wins, and 12 Years a Slave had just two. The race seemed to be over, but 12 Years made it after all. Producer Brad Pitt collected his first Oscar. (Last year, Clooney picked up a trophy as a producer of Best Picture winner Argo, this year it's Brad Pitt...is Matt Damon producing a movie right now? If so, it's already the favorite to win next year.) He spoke quickly and ceded the microphone to director and co-producer Steve McQueen, who nervously rattled off some names in thanks, and then jumped for joy.

The 12 cast and crew

The finally tally is nearly record-breaking: Gravity's seven wins without a Best Picture victory puts it just behind Cabaret (1972), for most wins without taking Best Picture. And poor American Hustle, losing all ten of its bids, is one loss shy of the record held by The Turning Point (1977) and The Color Purple (1985), for the biggest shut-out in Academy history.

 THE PRETTY DRESSES

Roberts, Nyong'o, Adams, Blanchett, Lawrence, Hawkins, Bullock, Squibb, Streep

Judi Dench didn't make the ceremony because she's shooting the sequel to The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel in India, but the other nine nominated actresses all showed up. Left to right: Julia Roberts had some nice lace detailing on an otherwise dull gown. Lupita Nyong'o was just heavenly in sky blue. Amy Adams had a nice (if simple) blue dress, but the real stars of her ensemble were her coral and sapphire earrings. The shade of Cate Blanchett's dress is too bland for my taste, but the detailing was exquisite and her opal earrings were out of this world. Jennifer Lawrence wore the same shade of tomato red as she did three years ago, but she looks great in it. Sally Hawkins seems to be of the defiantly-unfashionable mindset, which I can dig. (Still don't like the dress, though.) Sandra Bullock was safely elegant in draped navy. June Squibb has been a total fashion rock star this awards season, and did not disappoint in sumptuous emerald. Meryl Streep wore a very Streepy dress, but I did like her bracelets.

Anna Kendrick, Anne Hathaway

There was way too much boring black; notable exceptions were Anna Kendrick's coral-red paneling and Anne Hathaway's blinged-out bodice.

Pinkett, Cruz, DeRossi, Delpy, Garner

There were also way too many bashful hues. Those who rose above the boredom include Jada Pinkett in elegantly wrapped coral pink; Penelope Cruz in a pale pink goddess gown; Portia DeRossi in exquisitely detailed ivory; Julie Delpy in gathered silver, and Jennifer Garner's swishy fringe dress.

Gabourey Sidibe, Viola Davis, Pink

 
Thanks to Gabourey Sidibe, Viola Davis, and Pink for going bold. Sidibe's second Oscar appearance has her again in a gorgeous jewel tone with elegant textures. Viola Davis is a knockout in the same color and skirt shape that I wore to my junior prom, every inch as stunning as I was awkward (!) Pink wore the gown equivalent of the ruby slippers for her Wizard of Oz performance.

Samberg, Offerman, Mullally, Scott, Hader, Murray, Rudd, and Poehler

Not to be outdone by Ellen's group photo, the funniest people at the Oscar parties snapped these pics of some sort of Amy Poehler-throwing event. Ah, to be a fly on that wall!

And so it was, my Oscar fix for the year. Cheers, everybody.