How It All Went Down

Daniel Day-Lewis, Jennifer Lawrence, Anne Hathaway, Christoph Waltz

 

Seth MacFarlane thought he might beat his critics to the punch, with a shaky bit in which Captain Kirk (played by William Shatner himself) comes from the future to tell him what a terrible host he was. Clips of his failed entertainment attempts were shown.  It was mostly lame, but the re-enactment of the movie Flight -- using sock puppets -- cracked me up, especially because it was so much better than the actual movie.  There was also a song-and-dance number called “We Saw Your Boobs,” a ditty about actresses who have bared their breasts onscreen. This segment was much-criticized; personally, I didn’t find it offensive, because the butt of the joke was MacFarlane’s juvenile sense of humor rather than the actresses themselves. The subtext was, “This is what a moron would take away from serious films like Brokeback Mountain, Boys Don’t Cry, Monster, etc.” But then everything got much, much worse:

 

He told the ladies of the audience they were lookin’ good after “conveniently” getting the flu so they could fit in to their dresses.

 

He said Zero Dark Thirty was about women’s inability to “never let anything go.”

 

He said it doesn’t matter if you can’t understand what Penelope Cruz or Salma Hayek is saying, because they’re hot.

 

He imagined George Clooney someday hooking up with Quvenzhane Wallis.

 

He joked about violence against women vis-a-vie Django Unchained and Rihanna.

 

As Ted, his stupid animated teddy bear alter-ego, he joked about going to an orgy at Jack Nicholson’s house, which was the setting for Roman Polanski’s rape of a 13-year-old girl.

 

And he ended his performance in song, with this fake-out rhyme:

 

Amy Adams, Jacki Weaver, Sally Field, and Helen Hunt

Hathaway [something unintelligible], don’t you think that girl’s a – dorable!

Any one of these might – MIGHT – be chalked up to a lapse in judgment, but put together, they spell DIRTBAG. So I have no kind words for the guy, even if the boobies song made me giggle.

 

On to better things!

 

Charlize Theron, Channing Tatum

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We got a taste of how contemporary stars would have performed in an old-fashioned Oscar show, with elegant Fred-and-Ginger-style dancing from Charlize Theron and Channing Tatum, set to the 1936 Best Song winner, “The Way You Look Tonight,” and Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Daniel Radcliffe singing the 1959 Best Song winner, “High Hopes.”
 

Reigning Supporting Actress winner Octavia Spencer threw out the first Oscar, a shocking second win in four years for Christoph Waltz. He was gracious and charming as always. I thought for a moment that Waltz might be the first person to win two acting Oscars under the same director, but a whirl through the mental rolodex brought up Dianne Wiest (both wins for Woody Allen), and Jack Nicholson (two of three with James L. Brooks.)
 

Paul Rudd and Melissa McCarthy tried to pull off a bit about cheesy voice-over acting that fell flat, but the segment gained entertainment value when Mark Andrews, winning co-director of the animated feature Brave, took the stage in a turquoise-striped kilt (a nod to the film’s Scottish setting.)
 

Brenda Chapman, Mark Andrews

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The five male stars of The Avengers also tried and failed at scripted banter. Jennifer Aniston and Channing Tatum had MORE terrible chatter, this time about waxing unidentified body hair, and gave Costume Design to Anna Karenina. Winner Jacqueline Durran kept alive the proud tradition of fabulously weird attire on costume winners, in a gown made of denim.
 



Jacqueline Durran



 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Halle Berry introducted Shirley Bassey’s performance of the song “Goldfinger” as part of the 50th anniversary of James Bond segment, but they did not, as rumored, get Sean Connery, Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton, Pierce Brosnan, and Daniel Craig to appear onstage as part of the tribute. They got none of them, and the tribute ended there, which was pretty disappointing. How cool would it have been if they had integrated Bassey’s “Goldfinger”and Adele’s “Skyfall” into a diva-riffic duet?
 

Kerry Washington and Jamie Foxx presented Best Documentary Short to Inocente, a film about a homeless artist. The emotional high point of the show was when the filmmakers brought the artist herself onstage with them to accept the award, and she was overcome with tears.

Sean Fine, Inocente, Andrea Nix

 

Next: The much-hyped giant production number: Catherine Zeta-Jones reprised her Oscar-winning performance in Chicago to sing an abbreviated version of“All That Jazz.” Co-stars Renee Zellweger, Richard Gere, and Queen Latifah were all present, but for some reason, they didn’t participate in the Chicago segment. Then Jennifer Hudson reprised HER Oscar-winning performance in Dreamgirls with an abbreviated version of “And I Am Telling You,” without any co-stars, making Dreamgirls another lonely segment in this lineup. Finally, ALL the stars of Les Mis – Hugh Jackman, Anne Hathaway, Eddie Redmayne, Amanda Seyfried, Samantha Barks – Aaron Tveit, Rusty Crowe, Helena Bonham-Carter, and Sacha Baron-Cohen – belted out “One More Day,” with a few bars of “I Dreamed a Dream”and the film’s original song “Suddenly” woven into the mix.

Chicago, Les Miserables, Dreamgirls

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Then there was a TIE for sound editing, which allowed both Paul N.J. Ottosson (Zero Dark Thirty), and Per Hallberg (Skyfall) to take the stage; they joined winning cinematographer Claudio Miranda in one of the evening’s funniest unintentional themes:

Claudio Miranda, Paul N.J. Ottosson, Per Hallberg

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Christopher Plummer rolled his eyes at his Sound of Music-laced introduction, declared his interest in working with any of the five Supporting Actress nominees in one of his “next thirty films,” and gave the award to Anne Hathaway. I refuse to get on the Anne-bashing bandwagon. She’s a fine actress, always fully committed to her roles, whether they’re high drama or lame-brained SNL sketches. I won’t hate on her just because she gives bad acceptance speeches.
 

Back from the commercial break, the Academy’s president gave the usual speech, and the cameras caught Harvey Weinstein scurrying back to his seat.
 

Sandra Bullock made a funny face while presenting Best Editing to Argo.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The “In Memoriam” film package was presented without a vocalist, as they have done in recent years, but when the final image came onscreen – of composer Marvin Hamlisch – Barbra Streisand appeared onstage to sing Hamlisch’s “The Way We Were.” The set-up was awkward, and would have worked better if the song had underscored the entire presentation. It was the first time Streisand sang on the telecast since 1977, when she won Best Song for “Evergreen (Love Theme from A Star is Born).”
 

Then came an even messier presentation. The cast of Chicago (minus John C. Reilly!) presented Best Score, and stuck around to also present Best Song. But wait a minute: We heard a little of the Les Mis song in the big production number, and Adele performed the Skyfall theme, but there’s three more nominees! The four presenters then introduced Norah Jones (who hurried through the snappy Ted number), and then informed us there were two more nominees (which, apparently, were too boring to perform), and gave the award to Adele. Now all she needs to do is write a Broadway musical and a TV show theme, and she’ll be on her way to an EGOT!

Chris Terrio

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Charlize Theron towered over Dustin Hoffman as they gave Best Adapted Screenplay to Chris Terrio for Argo,  and Best Original Screenplay to … oh, NO! Tarantino for Django! QT, with the messy hair and sloppy tie of someone who’s been sleeping in the back of a van, gave yet another smug speech and ended with a “peace out!”
 

Quentin Tarantino

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Best Director got a royal pair of presenters in Michael Douglas and Jane Fonda, Oscar-winning children of Oscar-winners. They announced the most pleasing shocker of the night: Ang Lee! Mr. Lee was stunned and most gracious as he got a standing ovation.
 

Ang Lee

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jean Dujardin was next up to hand out Best Actress. I was hoping him to do what Best Actor and Actress presenters have done in recent years – briefly spoken to each nominee, from the stage, about their performance– so that he could pay tribute to Emmanuelle Riva in their native language. Maybe they had planned that but cut it for time? He pulled Jennifer Lawrence’s name from the envelope, and so began the best sequence of the night: Lawrence approached the stage in her enormously flared dress. It’s one of the oldest jokes on the awards show circuit – “Don’t trip on your way to the podium” – but Ms. Lawrence did just that, stepping on her dress and tumbling on the steps to the stage. Even without the cameras directly on her face, you could see the look of “Omigod, I’m such a dumbass” wash over her, and then– because she is hilarious and awesome – she laughed and pulled herself back up. (Meanwhile, Hugh Jackman was quick to jump up and offer to help her up.) She accepted the award with a grin and quipped, “I know you’re just clapping for me because I fell.” She also wished Emmanuelle Riva a happy birthday.
 

Jennifer Lawrence

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Three-fer Meryl Streep transferred her three-peat powers to Daniel Day-Lewis, and the acting gods wept with joy. DDL joked that originally he was to play Margaret Thatcher and Streep was to play President Lincoln.

Fact: Daniel Day-Lewis collected his first Oscar on March 26, 1990, five months before Jennifer Lawrence was born.

 

Jack Nicholson – who was possibly sleeping in the same van as Tarantino – came out to present Best Picture…or did he? The award was actually announced, via satellite, by First Lady Michelle Obama, which was pretty awkward and pointless. She sealed the deal for Argo, and Nicholson handed statuettes to producers Ben Affleck, George Clooney, and Grant Heslov. Heslov mockingly declared they were the three sexiest producers in the business.

 

Grant Heslov, Ben Affleck, George Clooney

And that's another year for the books.  My predictions were 16 correct and 5 wrong; not too shabby.

 

Thanks for reading, everyone!