The Oscars!

The 80th Annual Academy Awards was a wounded affair, but it dragged itself across the finish line; the production value was non-existent, but it was made up for by many emotional speeches. The show was "saved" from cancellation due to the end of the writers' strike, but with so little preparation time before the show, it just wasn't the same. Poor Jon Stewart did his best, in a role that was doomed to fail no matter who filled it. He had a short, win-some lose-some monologue, after which he was just a referee for the stripped-down proceedings. Stewart had some great bits two years ago, particularly the Best Actress Attack Ads. The highlight of last year's show was the Marc Shaiman's music romp "A Comedian At the Oscars", performed by Will Ferrell, Jack Black, and John C. Reilly. This year...there was just nothing; there was no time to put anything together.

Here's how it all went down:

* The first award, Costume Design, goes to Elizabeth. Cate Blanchett is delighted.
* George Clooney appears. Everyone is happy.
* Jon gives a shout-out to presenter Steve Carell. Winner Brad Bird gives a great speech, mentioning his high school guidance counselor.
* La Vie en Rose wins Best Makeup and Marion Cotillard is positively giddy. I like her.
* Amy Adams sings -- can it be? -- without any creepy dancers, ridiculous backdrop, or stupid outfit, just her lovely self, a simple dress, and her sweet voice.
* Why is "The Rock" here? Who let him in?
* Cate Blanchett presents, looking ridiculously sexy for someone so pregnant.
* Jennifer Hudson gives Supporting Actor to "Harvey-er Bardem." Eek. He gives a gracious speech, says something in Spanish to his mother in the audience, she cries with joy, and it's very sweet.
* Keri Russell introduces the suckiest song.
* Owen Wilson presents Best Live Action Short, one can assume because of Bottle Rocket.
* A bee flies into the auditorium. It sounds like Jerry Seinfeld. Hopefully it was promptly swatted.
* Alan Arkin says the most boring teleprompter drivel in the driest manner possible, and it is hilarious. Then he drops a HUGE bomb by declaring Tilda Swinton the winner. She's shocked, humble, and pokes fun at George Clooney in her speech. Can't help but like her.
* Jessica Alba tells us about the Sci-Tech awards, continuing the Academy's tradition of sending a hottie to host the Too-Nerdy-and-Boring-For-the-Real-Show awards.
* Josh Brolin and James McAvoy appear, act silly, and...I'm sorry, I was swooning at James McAvoy, what happened? Oh, right, they presented Adapted Screenplay, for which both of their film's were nominated, and Josh's movie beats James's movie. The Coen brothers give a short, droll speech, knowing it won't be their last of the evening.













* To compensate for the tastefulness of Amy Adams's performance, a giant, ridiculous, overpopulated, musically bombastic production number is staged for the second nominated song from "Enchanted."
* Jonah Hill and Seth Rogan are presenting at the Oscars. That is awesome. Too bad their scripted "I wanna be Halle Berry" banter is lame. (And Jonah, her name isn't "Holly" any more than Mr. Bardem's is "Harvey-er.")
* Forest Whitaker delivers the second jaw-dropper of the evening: Best Actress is Marion Cotillard! Marion Cotillard! If you thought she was enthusiastic about her film winning Best Makeup...! She is shocked, shaking, laughing, completely overcome, and gives a nice speech. Yay for Marion Cotillard! Marion Cotillard! (Sorry, her name is fun to say.)
* Apparently, Colin Farrell is only asked to the Oscars to introduce songs performed by Irish musicians. First U2, now Glen Hansard. Hansard and Czech Marketa Irglova of the Irish film Once deliver a stirring performance of their lovely song, and they couldn't look happier.
* Jack Nicholson appears, as per his contract with the Academy.
* Renee Zellweger is shiny.
* Nicole Kidman's long necklace hangs not in the center, but anchored around her right breast. And oddly, it looks kinda cool.
* Penelope Cruz appears and says it's now time for Best Foreign Language Film! I laugh aloud; Gotta love the presenter-category match-ups.
* Yet another song from Enchanted, performed by some adorably scruffy young lad who I'm sure is throbbing the hearts of teens everywhere.
* Best Song goes to....Once! HELL, YES! Hansard and Marketa are floored, and receive the most enthusiastic applause of the evening. Amid whoops and cheers, Hansard gives a gracious speech, and Irglova is just about to start when the orchestra cuts her off. Everyone whelps with disappointment for her.


















* We come back from commercial break, and Jon Stewart asks Marketa Irglova to come back on stage and give her speech. Further proving that Jon Stewart and Marketa Irglova are both awesome.
* Cameron Diaz is no longer cute.
* Hilary Swank's introduction to the death reel invokes "some who were taken from us too soon." They gave Heath Ledger the prestigious last-one-before-the-fade-out spot, but somehow didn't include Brad Renfro at all.
* An award goes to Atonement, so there's a reaction shot of James McAvoy. Mmmmm...McAvoy.
* One of the documentary short winners (I don't know which one was Cynthia Wade and which was Vanessa Ross), makes a moving plea to end discrimination against same-sex couples, which she and her husband do not face. Part One of "Watch for some asshole to say something rude and obnoxious about that."
* Harrison Ford, the most wooden and least colorful person present, gives Original Screenplay to the least wooden and most colorful person present, Diablo Cody. She ends by thanking her family for "loving me just the way I am" and then cries.




















* Daniel Day-Lewis is the most gracious winner of the evening: On the way to accept Best Actor, he kisses competitor George Clooney and kneels reverently before presenter Helen Mirren. He also gives a fun speech. I love this guy.
* Martin Scorsese appears, and gushes that whoever wins Best Director will really appreciate the honor. Poor Marty. Anyway, the Coens win again, but Joel tells a funny story about the films they made when they were kids, and Frances McDormand watches from the audience with giddy pride for her husband and brother-in-law. I can't help but smile.
* Producer Scott Rudin, accepting Best Picture, thanks his life partner and calls him "honey." Part Two of "Watch for some asshole to say something rude and obnoxious about that."

And that was the show!

FASHION ROUND-UP

I cannot decided who was best dressed: It's a four-way tie between Cate Blanchett, Marion Cotillard, Helen Mirren, Saoirse Ronan.













Blanchett's dress is simply magnificent; the fact that it's a maternity gown is even more impressive. The deep royal purple color, the satin sheen, the intricate embroidery in the skirt, the funky neckline with green jewels...it was simultaneously royal and bohemian. (Perhaps a nod to both her nominated roles?) Helen Mirren's raspberry gown with crystal sleeves was elegant, and bolder and more feminine than some of the dresses on the actresses half her age. The color of Saoirse Ronan's dress -- true emerald green -- was enough to win me over, so the vintage details made it all the more delicious. I'm generally bored by white or black dresses, but I couldn't leave Marion Cotillard off my list, for the exquisitely patterned mermaid dress. Or, as one red carpet twit put it: "She looks like a fish, but, like, the prettiest fish there is."

Some of the best looks of the evening need to be seen in close-up to be appreciated:











Blanchett, Mirren, Anne Hathaway, Hilary Swank











Best jewels: Nicole Kidman, Julie Christie, Amy Ryan, Keri Russell, Laura Linney, Jennifer Garner, Miley Cyrus, Penelope Cruz

Worst dressed...well, it's clearly Julie Christie and Tilda Swinton. (Hard to say which is worse than the other.) Christie had a great color in merlot, but the cut and shape of the dress was completely ill-fitting and unflattering, making a perfectly gorgeous woman look frumpy. Even worse were the bulky pink gloves that reached all the way up to her sleeve line. She almost looked dressed to play in the snow. And there's no other way to put it: Tilda Swinton was wearing a garbage bag.




















I give "worst dressed" to an outfit that obscures or detracts from a person's natural beauty; I do NOT give it to mavericks with distinctive style. So I say not "worst", but "thank you" to Diablo Cody [see above], and the folks pictured below, for being fabulously weird. Because really, wouldn't you be disappointed if they looked just like everybody else?











Viggo Mortensen, Daniel Day-Lewis (possibly wearing shoes he cobbled himself), Rebecca Miller, Johnny Depp, Vanessa Paradis, Spike Lee