The Completely Un-Golden Globes

I wholeheartedly support the Writers Guild of America in their strike for just compensation for distribution of intellectual property. That said, I was kind of looking forward to an awards show without scripted teleprompter drivel.

I was wrong.

The Golden Globes “ceremony” this year – without its shiny movie stars and, yes, teleprompter drivel – was the worst awards “show” I’ve ever watched. Because the alternative to onstage banter penned by union writers is ad-libbing by Billy Bush and Nancy O’Dell, two of the most vacuous presences on television. Bush and O’Dell didn’t just read the list of nominees and winners. No such mercy. They were allowed to offer lame factoids before each category. (“Angelina Jolie has been nominated for every Golden Globe she’s been nominated for!” I guess that means she can’t possibly lose!) They were allowed to offer flaccid praise of the nominees at any time they saw fit. (“Wow. She’s so great.” “Yeah, she really is.”) They were allowed to editorialize about the winners. (“Darn, I really wanted Debra Messing to win.”) Imagine that at the Oscars; imagine Rachel Weisz last year saying, “Holy crap, it’s Alan Arkin! I totally bet the farm on Eddie Murphy!” Billy Bush even referred to the Coen brothers as “boutique” filmmakers; anyone of his lowest-common denominator status isn’t allowed to call anyone “boutique”, and any member of the Bush family is in no position to take pot-shots at any other family.

So from a queasy broadcast came the list of winners. Here is that uncluttered list:

Best Picture (Drama): Atonement
Best Picture (Musical/Comedy: Sweeney Todd
Best Director: Julian Schnabel, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
Best Screenplay: Ethan and Joel Coen, No Country For Old Men

Best Actor (Drama): Daniel Day-Lewis, There Will Be Blood
Best Actor (Musical/Comedy): Johnny Depp, Sweeney Todd
Best Actress (Drama): Julie Christie, Away From Her
Best Actress (Musical/Comedy): Marion Cotillard, La Vie en Rose
Best Supporting Actor: Javier Bardem, No Country For Old Men
Best Supporting Actress: Cate Blanchett, I’m Not There

Like last year, the Best Picture (Drama) winner scored in no other categories. It’s that laughable phenomenon of the film that you feel like you’re “sposeda” vote for but can’t muster enthusiasm for in any particular aspect.

Johnny Depp won his first Globe on his seventh nomination, and his fourth consecutive nod. He was the only American to win in the six acting categories: the other five awards went to a Frenchwoman, a Spaniard, an Aussie, and of course, two Brits. (It’s just not an awards show without Brits.)

This year’s choices yet again begged for an amendment to the “Musical or Comedy” category, in which Marion Cotillard’s stunning dramatic performance (that happened to include some lip-synching) beat out Ellen Page’s brilliant comedic performance. Cotillard’s Edith Piaf joins such other rib-tickling performances to win this award as Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon in Walk the Line, Jamie Foxx in Ray, Madonna in Evita, and Angela Bassett in What’s Love Got to Do With It?.

Strangest of all was the absence of random categories in the telecast. They presented Best Actress in a TV Movie but not Best Actor. (Come on, the kids love their Jim Broadbent!) They couldn’t argue that they were pressed for time, considering how much time they wasted checking in with Shaun Robinson, for an alternate but equally vacant perspective. They also skipped over Foreign-Language film, Score and Song, and Best TV Movie. But perhaps the omissions weren’t all random: They didn’t announce the nominees or winners for their only writing category, Best Screenplay for a motion picture. Draw what conclusions you will.